Wednesday, January 19, 2011

love means nothing

Love means tennis, and sometimes in life.

love means nothing
 "Racquet back, knees bent, turn your body, move your feet, wait for the ball, keep your eyes on the ball, follow through..." -these instructions are forever engraved in my mind pertaining tennis.  At matchplay, I lost;  I lost my partner, instructor, and confidant.  As the Australian Open is upon us again, since Sunday, I have yet to tune in.  Perhaps I'm making a conscious effort to reject routine.

I don't know what love is anymore.  I've been gifted two books recently, by different friends.
I have these books nearby when I'm home from work, they are close when I go to bed.  I carry them around as if within its pages is my answer, the words to somehow trigger a synapse in my brain and inspire in my heart what I need to get by.  I've started reading Leo Buscaglia, and the other, I've skimmed.  I'm going through the motion of glossing over the words and turning the pages, with no real understanding or the ability to internalize.  I hope to get myself to a point where I can read with comprehension and apply them to myself, be inspired and renewed.  What I do know is that, LIFE is about not knowing and having to change; live the moment, make the best of it, move forward...

Saturday, January 1, 2011

the ultimate betrayal

I start off the new year by learning the ultimate betrayal.  There's no pain greater than learning the person you thought you knew so well for 6 years, trusted and believed in wholeheartedly can be so heartless, throw salt at fresh wounds and be somewhat surprised to learn one could be so devastated by the actions.  What you choose to engage in defines your character, not what you mutter to yourself and others.  The one thing we all have is free-will, voluntary decision, the doctrine that your conduct expresses personal choice.  These choices come with consequences.  I cannot fathom how a person can choose to engage in behavior knowing that these actions can be destructive to another's psyche.  Feelings can be deceiving, a physical sensation does not trump all.  I'm not a bitter person and do not hold grudges for too long, but there are certain things I cannot forgive nor discount.  I know I cannot allow this incident to sabotoge my belief system, but it does make me question the faith I have in people, the doubts about myself, and you can never be thoroughly convinced of anything.  My tank is empty, but somehow I have to find a way to get through it.  I know there are people in my life that will hold me up and will be there when I need them, to these people I am grateful.  I only hope to believe that I will be stronger and better because of it!