Friday, December 17, 2010

the firsts of many more firsts

This week, I made my own oatmeal (just once) and even had to clean the snow off the car in the morning (thankfully, just once so far).  These are the firsts of many more firsts.  Just two small seemingly insignificant reminders of how things have changed.  I've been beating myself up on how trivial this is in the grand scheme of things, why can't i get over it?  Why am i still not okay?  why can't i just have a reprieve, only just for one day, why is there still this void?  I understand there are matters much more wretched and desolate, but in my world, at present, nothing stings more.  I try to implement little changes to my routines, when I can, just a little bit as to not allow the intensity of what once was everyday life to feel like I'm reliving things that will never be the same.  I've refrained from coffee on certain occassions and drinking Yogi Chai Green Tea.  I think secretly, I look forward to revealing one of the quotes on the tag and hope for an enlightened moment to grant me the strength to get through another day.  The collection from this week now sits in a jar. 

My job is both a blessing and a curse.  It enables the mind much time to wander, but also all day for audio.  This may change my mind of never having read any Maya Angelou, but I was listening to Letter to My Daughter this week, though listening at work is quite passive and I rarely retain much.  Some things she said resonated "you may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide to not be reduced by them; make every effort to change the things you do not like, if you cannot make the change, change the way you've been thinking" .  These were R. sentiments  too, far wiser than I, but I guess I just needed that reminder.  So instead, I'm going to stop torturing myself with the when and  why not yet, and just know that I will be okay.  As to not allow it to defeat me, I've been quite productive, finished thus far;

two Fish Hats

Sheldon, the turtle

tail added, only modification.

charm bracelet for niece
through the years charm blt

Instead of repairing all the necklaces that have broken, decided to gather all the charms and turn it into a charm bracelet as getting a new necklace is an annual tradition on her birthday.  The new elements are her initials scattered.

This, I'm working on,

"hope is the thing with feathers"- ED
It's premature to say much, but both S. and Emily Dickinson are the inspiration behind it.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

I love this poem not only for the inspiration behind my current piece, but the beauty behind the metaphor, and how it inspires the very thing she describes.  Hope is the only thing I have right now, even if there is no evidence that anything will change, I have to believe that things will get better!

Friday, December 3, 2010

hurt behind the anger

Of everything I made recently, this is what I chose to wear the last couple of days.

"burnt toast" pdt

A declaration, perhaps.   There were many moments in which I was "angry" this week; angry about all that has transpired, angry that I can't be stronger during the moments of weakness, angry that I can't put into practice what I've been telling myself, angry that it's Friday again... the latter is unreasonable, yes, but it's the hardest day of the week.  The truth is, behind all the perceived "anger" is hurt! The anger is just hiding the pain.  I know that it's how you frame it in your mind and that feelings follow action, but it's true, sometimes the heart does things the head knows nothing of!

I'm grateful and am touched by the people that are pulling me through right now, some are doing it without them even knowing.  I'm guilty of not keeping in touch on a regular basis, but as if "she" knew, one of my dear friends called me out of the blue two weeks ago ignorant to my situation.  Back in the days when I cross-stitched, she reminded me of a Precious Moments image I'd gifted under which is the following quote:

When you are lonely, I wish you Love
When you are down, I wish you Joy
When you are troubled, I wish you Peace
When things are complicated, I wish you Simple Beauty
When things are chaotic, I wish you inner Silence
When things are empty, I wish you Hope

Needless to say, my reaction was nothing short of sobbing.  Not only because of how much I need that, but knowing that she is supporting and thinking of me, even from a distance.

I find myself in a holiday knitting frenzy again, though I promised myself i wouldn't this year.  My stubbornness transcends this even.  But I'm also aware that this year, the benefits of quiet solace will outweigh the stress this would otherwise pose under different circumstances.  The constant and repetitive motion, and counting of stitches will afford me the distraction and force me to focus.  Since it's virtually impossible to coerce myself out of "feeling" something, I'm giving myself permission to embrace the challenges of each day and if there is a moment, even fleeting, I am able to "feel" this version of self,

"happy toast" pdt

I will, for that moment, relish it!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

why this, why now?

Rudyard Kipling said "words are the most powerful drug used by mankind".  As I confront one of the hardest emotional hurdles at this juncture in life, though I may not be a good writer, I find it a cathartic endeavor.  I can't numb or assuage the hurt and pain, there's no magic pill for this pervasive sadness.  My "drug" is to inject myself with a massive dose of hope and optimism by chronicling the crafts I partake in, those I've always said I would, haven't, but hopefully now will, and those I have yet to discover.  I'm not religious in any sense, but the Serenity Prayer, a dear friend's favorite, "accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference";  I chant this to myself to get me through.  At the present moment, I can't see the beauty or real joy in any activity, but if "happiness" can be cultivated through practice and effort, I can affirm this fundamental Buddhist principle by nurturing the interests I find comfort in.  Crafting is therapeutic for me.  Since change is the only certainty in life, I know that only by changing my perspective will my myopic sense of the world reveal all its potential and possibilities.   I see this as a personal journey to heal my head and heart, and maybe along the way, inspire others.  The same friend, told me that life at its most basic and simplest should be full of awe and hope.   As I endure and trudge through the pain and heartache, I need to believe that "instead of crying because it is over, i need to smile because it happened"...

Knitting is my perpetual craft.  There's something gratifying and relaxing about utilizing pointy sticks, just string, and two basic stitches,countless hours, and numerous stitches later, be rewarded with a creation imbued with love.  My current WIP is Elijah by Ysolda Teague.
This is my second time making this because I love that you stuff and assemble as you go.  There are no pieces to seam or the daunting task of weaving in ends when the knitting is done.  The current status is a perfect metaphor for my emotional state.  A different dear friend, likened my state of being to losing a limb.  Stitch by stitch, Elijah will have all his limbs, not to mention very soon, as there's nothing like a deadline adjusted deadline as motivator.  Moment by moment, I will just have to get through, I don't know when, but I too, will be whole again.