Friday, December 17, 2010

the firsts of many more firsts

This week, I made my own oatmeal (just once) and even had to clean the snow off the car in the morning (thankfully, just once so far).  These are the firsts of many more firsts.  Just two small seemingly insignificant reminders of how things have changed.  I've been beating myself up on how trivial this is in the grand scheme of things, why can't i get over it?  Why am i still not okay?  why can't i just have a reprieve, only just for one day, why is there still this void?  I understand there are matters much more wretched and desolate, but in my world, at present, nothing stings more.  I try to implement little changes to my routines, when I can, just a little bit as to not allow the intensity of what once was everyday life to feel like I'm reliving things that will never be the same.  I've refrained from coffee on certain occassions and drinking Yogi Chai Green Tea.  I think secretly, I look forward to revealing one of the quotes on the tag and hope for an enlightened moment to grant me the strength to get through another day.  The collection from this week now sits in a jar. 

My job is both a blessing and a curse.  It enables the mind much time to wander, but also all day for audio.  This may change my mind of never having read any Maya Angelou, but I was listening to Letter to My Daughter this week, though listening at work is quite passive and I rarely retain much.  Some things she said resonated "you may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide to not be reduced by them; make every effort to change the things you do not like, if you cannot make the change, change the way you've been thinking" .  These were R. sentiments  too, far wiser than I, but I guess I just needed that reminder.  So instead, I'm going to stop torturing myself with the when and  why not yet, and just know that I will be okay.  As to not allow it to defeat me, I've been quite productive, finished thus far;

two Fish Hats

Sheldon, the turtle

tail added, only modification.

charm bracelet for niece
through the years charm blt

Instead of repairing all the necklaces that have broken, decided to gather all the charms and turn it into a charm bracelet as getting a new necklace is an annual tradition on her birthday.  The new elements are her initials scattered.

This, I'm working on,

"hope is the thing with feathers"- ED
It's premature to say much, but both S. and Emily Dickinson are the inspiration behind it.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale—is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land—
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

I love this poem not only for the inspiration behind my current piece, but the beauty behind the metaphor, and how it inspires the very thing she describes.  Hope is the only thing I have right now, even if there is no evidence that anything will change, I have to believe that things will get better!


  1. I am so glad to see that you have been productive. Keeping busy is another good way of distracting yourself and to keep moving forward. The charm bracelet is a wonderful idea for E. I love the hummingbird/bird house pendant. Can't wait to see how you develop that.

    I am proud of you for your little firsts. There will be many, my friend, but you will only grow stronger with each one that you encounter.

    Hugs! Hope you have a wonderful holiday with your family.

  2. "It has been said that time heals all wounds. The truth is that time does not heal anything. It merely passes. It is what we do during the passing of time that helps or hinders the healing process."
    -- Jay Marshall

  3. thank you, i really like that. i will have to file it away and use it when i feel myself slipping

  4. Self reliance is a wonderful thing. You are learning to walk again, and may your journey be filled with adventures!

    It is so nice to see you finishing up your WIP and the jewelry, as always, are amazing. I hope Emily appreciate her aunt's work. Great job, both on that and the blog :)

  5. I like that metaphor, I may be crawling mostly but baby steps are taken every day... thank you Steve!