Friday, December 3, 2010

hurt behind the anger

Of everything I made recently, this is what I chose to wear the last couple of days.

"burnt toast" pdt

A declaration, perhaps.   There were many moments in which I was "angry" this week; angry about all that has transpired, angry that I can't be stronger during the moments of weakness, angry that I can't put into practice what I've been telling myself, angry that it's Friday again... the latter is unreasonable, yes, but it's the hardest day of the week.  The truth is, behind all the perceived "anger" is hurt! The anger is just hiding the pain.  I know that it's how you frame it in your mind and that feelings follow action, but it's true, sometimes the heart does things the head knows nothing of!

I'm grateful and am touched by the people that are pulling me through right now, some are doing it without them even knowing.  I'm guilty of not keeping in touch on a regular basis, but as if "she" knew, one of my dear friends called me out of the blue two weeks ago ignorant to my situation.  Back in the days when I cross-stitched, she reminded me of a Precious Moments image I'd gifted under which is the following quote:

When you are lonely, I wish you Love
When you are down, I wish you Joy
When you are troubled, I wish you Peace
When things are complicated, I wish you Simple Beauty
When things are chaotic, I wish you inner Silence
When things are empty, I wish you Hope

Needless to say, my reaction was nothing short of sobbing.  Not only because of how much I need that, but knowing that she is supporting and thinking of me, even from a distance.

I find myself in a holiday knitting frenzy again, though I promised myself i wouldn't this year.  My stubbornness transcends this even.  But I'm also aware that this year, the benefits of quiet solace will outweigh the stress this would otherwise pose under different circumstances.  The constant and repetitive motion, and counting of stitches will afford me the distraction and force me to focus.  Since it's virtually impossible to coerce myself out of "feeling" something, I'm giving myself permission to embrace the challenges of each day and if there is a moment, even fleeting, I am able to "feel" this version of self,

"happy toast" pdt

I will, for that moment, relish it!


  1. Congrats on starting this blog. I think it is great that you are writing this down and have an outlet for your emotions. Glad you are doing something out of your comfort zone and trying something new, I hope it leads you to doing more down the line!

    I just thought of the following Mark Twain quote which, hopefully, would inspire us.

    "Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth."


  2. i don't have a "giveaway" for being the first to comment, but a tremendous THANK YOU for the support!

    I do have a penchant for quotes, and is a fan of that one too. Unfortunately, lack rhythm and cannot carry a tune. As for the other two, inconceivable in execution...but acknowledging is a good first step, and will try to apply and remain hopeful!